


Piett's Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Life Day

by prayforpiett



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Life Day (Star Wars), parenting is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28048563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prayforpiett/pseuds/prayforpiett
Summary: Raising a child is hard. Raising a Force-sensitive child? Even harder. But co-parenting the Future Emperor of the entire Galaxy with an ill-tempered sith lord and a criminal?  Downright impossible. Still, Firmus Piett manages to make the most out of the situation until a fateful Life Day.His job description certainly didn't involve dressing up as Santa Claus...
Comments: 14
Kudos: 71





	Piett's Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Life Day

**Author's Note:**

> Bit of explanation:
> 
> Krampus - In Central European folklore, Krampus is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as "half-goat, half-demon" who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved.

Firmus Piett, Admiral of the Executor stared at the red and white coat before him and sighed. This was his life now. When he had signed up to the Navy, he never would have thought that someday his duties would involve playing Santa Claus for Lord Vader's child. In fact, if someone had told him that Lord Vader had a child, he would have politely asked them whether they have had a bit too much Corellian whiskey. But he knew better now. He had been Luke's babysitter for two years, since that fateful day when Lord Vader rendered half of the Executor's computers unusable, stormed off, boarded a shuttle without as much as uttering a word and came back with a blonde, wide-eyed boy in his arms. Firmus never asked him where he got the child. Lord Vader only told him that Luke was stolen from him. He had his worries but was sane enough not to voice them. It wasn't like he could do anything. He drank more and told himself that it wasn't his problem. Which as the months went by turned out to be a lie.

Of course, only a select few knew about the child, which was a nice way to say that only Firmus and Aphra were aware of his existence. The woman was too gleeful for his taste about this fact. They met for the first time when Lord Vader briefed them about Luke more in detail. He instantly disliked her as she kept shooting him smug looks and made a mockery of everything that the Empire stood for over the course of 5 minutes. Her joy only dulled when she realised that Lord Vader only told her because he needed someone to discreetly acquire suitable toys and other... Things. Like parenting books. 

It soon turned out that the man knew practically nothing about raising a child. So he reluctantly turned to the only other people in this galaxy who knew about Luke's existence. Now, Piett didn't have any experience with children, other than a few (regrettable) meetings with his nephew but had enough common sense to politely suggest that handing a lightsaber or any other weapon to a toddler was not necessarily the best idea. Unfortunately, Aphra seemed to completely lack the ability to make decent life decisions. If it wasn't for Piett, the boy would have started his criminal carrier at the ripe age of two, thanks to her. That's how it happened that he had to chase Luke down after he found him playing with a vibroblade. He had no idea until then that a toddler could run so fast... His nephew certainly couldn't. After he caught him, Luke insisted that he was training to evade the "cops". 

Lord Vader had a long talk with Aphra about the incident. Her voice was gone for a few days after it. She insisted that she caught a cold and Piett was polite enough not to question her even if he privately got some satisfaction out of it. Still, she didn't seem to learn anything from it.

And of course, it soon turned out that Luke had the same kind of powers as his father. If there were any doubt in him that Lord Vader was truly his father, then they were gone in that very moment he saw him hold what essentially seemed to be a public execution of his plush bantha as the other plushes watched. The poor animal was hanging in the air, his limbs twisted and Firmus almost reached up to loosen his collar. Almost. But then Luke turned to him with the brightest smile and told him that the plush was just helping him show the others how in the ancient times people made human sacrifices to the gods. Which was not much better but he assured Firmus that it was all just acting. He explained that "Fluffy-buffy" wouldn't have been a suitable sacrifice anyway because he was a bantha, not a human. Firmus decided to ignore that comment but he took away all of Aphra's history books from him. From that day, Luke became even more of a menace. Toys levitated, furniture levitated, Firmus levitated... The boy seemed to have an obsession with flying. The solution proved to be a combination of piloting and Force lessons. Luke always came back from those lessons practically shining with excitement and even Vader seemed to be in a better, well at least in a less murderous mood after them.

But nevertheless, that's how they became Uncle Piett and Aunt Aphra. Or rather Uncle Peet and Aunt Apha. They were still working on the pronunciation. Still, that was the story of how he lost more sleep in these few years than he ever imagined to be medically possible. Being the Admiral of Executor _and_ helping the Supreme Commander of the Imperial forces to raise his Force-sensitive son took a lot out of his time. He was pretty sure that his family would have pronounced him dead for his lack of messages and holocalls if they didn't hear his name in the news from time to time. He felt a pang of slight guilt about this but still, he could justify this. He was helping to raise the future Emperor. Because yes, apparently they were committing a coup. He could justify this. All of this.

But the one thing that he couldn't humanly bring himself to justify is dressing up as Santa Claus for Life Day just to give Luke some semblance of "normal childhood". He loved the boy. He really did but his childhood was nothing but normal and it was late to start trying to remedy this now. Still, as usual, he kept his face impassive when Vader told him what he needed to do. He only allowed himself the luxury of asking again.

"My lord?"

"I meant what I said, Admiral. The boy needs a sense of normalcy and communal holidays and traditions are very important for that. Later he would feel excluded from his... age-group if he never participated in them and therefore had no way of relating to them."

It suspiciously sounded like he was quoting one of his parenting books. 

"We must give him a traditional Life Day experience and that includes meeting Santa Claus. I brought this costume for you so you would do well to go and get dressed up. I expect you to perform well."

Firmus would have thought that the man sounded amused if this wasn't a thinly veiled threat. Though, everything he said was a thinly veiled threat. 

So that was how Firmus ended up with a sack of red clothes, a fake beard, an existential crisis and a desperate need to drink an entire bottle of whiskey. This was not what he expected from his military carrier. What would his family think of him now? What would Max think of him now? He looked at the sack of clothes, the mirror, the sack of clothes again and then he sighed. He needed to do this. For the future of the Empire. And also because he was rather fond of his trachea.

The costume (unfortunately) fit perfectly. He wasn't surprised although it did make him wonder about _where_ Lord Vader got it. If that woman had anything to do with it... No. Some things were better left uncovered. He'd do this with as much dignity as he could possibly muster at this moment and wouldn't think about Aphra.

It soon turned out that wasn't going to be possible. As he exited the fresher of Lord Vader and Luke's private suit, he almost ran into a whirlwind of black that he identified after a moment of confusion as Aphra.

"What are you doing here?" He asked with as much regality as an admiral dressed as Santa Claus in the middle of the Executor could.

He thought he did a decent job.

"We are going to be partners in crime, Piett." She said as she gestured down herself.

First, nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary except that she was wearing all black. He almost opened his mouth to ask what she was talking about and then he noticed the small red horns in her hair and the red tail.

"A krampus?"

"Took you long enough."

Firmus suddenly didn't know whether to laugh or cry so he just kept his face as neutral as he possibly could.

"That's an unexpected development." He managed to grind out through his teeth.

"Oh shut up, just let us hate this together."

Firmus decided that he would rather bite down his own tongue than to agree with her out loud.

"This is my duty to the Empire."

"Of course, whatever you say."

She grinned at him smugly and he took great joy in swiping that expression from her face by mentioning that they really shouldn't keep Lord Vader and Luke waiting. Maybe there really was some comfort in the fact that they had to do this together.

Still, the corridor leading to Luke's room was way too short and they found themselves standing before the door soon. He felt that his stare must be akin to the ones awaiting public execution. That thought made him stop in his tracks. He was the longest surviving admiral on the Executor. He managed to evade death and lead this ship through the years. He saw his colleagues being choked to death by an unseen force daily, he experienced things that he never thought were possible. Is it really going to be Santa Claus that causes him to quit?

"Oh kriff, you are getting into it," Aphra muttered as she looked at him.

"Might I remind you of the "cold" you got the last time you disappointed Lord Vader?"  
"No."

"Then just go along with it."

Firmus forced a smile onto his face and opened the door before he could stop himself and think rationally.

"Santa!" yelled a voice and he was almost instantly run over by Luke, who sprinted through the room with the speed of a small rocket.

"Son, what did I say about being polite and greeting guests appropriately?" Vader's stern voice cut through the excitement and the boy seemed to completely stop in his tracks.

"Sorry, Father." Luke took a few steps back to give Firmus some space, "Hello Santa! Or is it Santa Claus? Mr Santa?"

"Santa will do just fine, Luke."

He could feel Aphra's gaze on him silently asking "What the kriff" but he decided to ignore it.

"Oh okay, I wasn't sure. Titles are complicated. I just don't even understand why do we need them."

"Well, you'd do well to listen to your Uncle more and maybe he could explain them to you."

"Nah." He grinned. "Uncle Peet's lectures are boring. They don't even have the Force or flying. Or picking locks."

Well, there goes years of careful planning and effort. Aphra grinned at him victoriously and for the first time in his life, Piett understood what was so appealing force choking other people.

"Okay, they are not really boring. He makes this stuff more fun than the books. But how do you know so much about him anyway?"

"How would I know who has been good or bad if I didn't to my research? Careful research is the most-"

"-important thing when approaching a problem. Uncle Peet says that all the time!"

"Then he is really wise."

It sounded like Aphra was choking on something but Vader didn't even raise a hand. Inconsequential then.

Luke looked sceptical but for the time being, he seemed to be satisfied with that answer and his attention soon found a new target.

"Why is Aunt Apha here? And why is she dressed so weirdly?" He pointed at Firmus's companion.

He thought about suddenly converting to a religion. Would that save him?

"I'm not Aunt Aphra, I'm a krampus. I'm here to punish you if you were bad this year."

Luke eyed her suspiciously while putting his thumb into his mouth and determinedly sucking on it. He reminded Firmus of the main character of an old-time-y detective novel who kept chewing tobacco.

"Aunt Aphra does that too but only to bad adults. Like cops! She says it's not fair to hurt children."

What is it about this cop thing again? He inwardly sighed and turned his gaze towards Aphra to see if she could cut herself out of this.

"I don't have the same morals as-"

She obviously couldn't.

"I think that was quite enough to get to know her. She won't have to punish you anyway because you've been good this year. Except of course a few incidents.. "

"The duck thing wasn't intentional!"

"How could someone unintentionally set loose a duck on the Executor?"

"She just wanted to be free."

"Then why did you bring her on board?"

Vader chose this exact moment to interrupt. He stepped forward and rested his hand on Luke's shoulder.

"I assure you, the duck incident will not happen again. I am sure you have a long journey ahead of you, so would it be most _convenient_ for everyone here if we could get through this quickly."

This was really not the time to question Luke about the duck incident. Still, he swore that one day he would get the truth out of that child.

"Of course, you are right, my lord. It takes a lot of time for the reindeers to fly through the whole galaxy. Now let's see what I have here for you Luke-"

He reached into his sack to hand out the presents but the boy chose that exact moment to ask a question again.

"How do reindeers fly in space? It doesn't make any sense. I know, I study physics."

"Uhm, well it's the Force, Luke."

Good save.

"You are a Force user? You don't feel like one."

A drop of sweat trickled down his forehead. So he can recognize that. Great. Still, he thought he could do this.

"I just know how to hide it well."

He looked pointedly at Vader and held his hand out towards a chair. To his relief, the chair actually started floating in the air. 

"Wow, you really are a Force user! And you must be a really powerful one if you can hide it so well. Do you wanna come and train with me and my Father?"

He let down his hand slowly and the chair floated back into place.

"As your father has said before, I'm really busy and unfortunately don't have time to train with you. But what I can still do, is give you the gifts I've brought."

Luke seemed to instantly forget about the training and asked about whether he brought the model Tie fighter he wanted and Firmus thought maybe, just maybe he'd survive this.

....

After a teary good-bye, he and Aphra fled the room as quickly as they could and locked themselves into the fresher. They leaned against the cold tile, staring at their dishevelled and exhausted reflections in the mirror. Eventually, she was the one who broke the silence.

"We are still alive" she muttered.

"We really are."

She went to the tap and splashed water on her face.

"That kid really is something. I swear he is going to be an interrogator."

"Or rather a criminal, if you keep encouraging his behaviour."

"You know, I think he gets it from you. Proper research and all that? No wonder he was asking so many kriffing questions."

Firmus allowed himself a tiny smile. Maybe his lessons did rub off on Luke, even if not in the way he expected them to.

"He likes you better though."

"Sometimes I wonder how you can be so smart and so stupid at the same time. Maybe you spend too much time with the boss. Have you ever met a kid who liked sitting in one place and learning about imperial power structures?"

"Are the insults strictly necessary?"

"To get it into that thick imperial head of yours? Yes."

He decided to ignore that. 

"Well, good work Aphra. Let us never speak of this again."

He couldn't bear if this got out. He had done some humiliating things in his life but nothing close to this. All of his authority would be lost in the eyes of the crew.

"Are you sure? You made a quite dashing Santa."

"If you don't want anyone about your short-lived career as a krampus then you'll keep your mouth shut."

He could see a satisfying hint of terror in her eyes before she covered it up with her usual grin and he knew that they'll both take this secret to the grave with them.

"Blackmail? Now that's something I can get on board with it."

....

He decided that standing in Darth Vader's office, in his normal clothes was truly and reporting about normal things was everything he ever wanted from life. Especially because he managed to get some sleep and even had time to drink a steaming hot mug of caf in the morning. He was probably the only person in the galaxy with such low standards but after last night, he as far as he was concerned this was perfect. Domestic bliss, he thought to himself as he finished the report.

"We will be changing course and head to Mustafar. There are some matters I need to take care of."

He didn't turn towards Firmus but stood in his usual position, facing the viewport his hands firmly clasped behind his back. Still, the admiral could feel the anticipation in the air. This was the start of something important.

"Yes, my lord. Is that all?"

"For now, but be ready for further orders. My master cannot know about this."

"Should we jam communications?"

"Whatever you deem necessary."

He felt a strange mix of excitement and dread as he bowed and headed to the door. The Galaxy was changing and if everything went well, the Emperor's days were numbered.  
Just before he exited the room, Lord Vader's voice boomed through the room again.

"A moment, Admiral."

"Yes, my lord?" He said turning back towards the black figure, who was now facing him, rather than the viewport.

"You conducted yourself admirably last night. Luke was very content."

At least the boy was happy.

"Thank you, my lord. I'm glad that I could be of use."

"Indeed. I expect you to do equally well _next year_."

Firmus desperately needed a drink. Or three. Or a new job.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Libby_25cSoda for the beta-ing! Go and check her profile out! :D


End file.
